Cool guys don’t look at explosions

I’ve never been good at making stuff. When I was in 2nd grade we had to make Santa Clauses out of construction paper and mine was so bad compared to everyone else’s that I just started crying. In front of the class. During a Christmas party.

Well for the past 8 years I’ve been trying to build something else. I’ve been trying to build something out of my life. I’ve worked hard to do it, put a lot of hours into it, and done my best. Yet even so, it has come out about as bad as my Santa Claus in second grade, minus the whole class being confused as to how I could be crying when cookies, juice, and presents were in the room.

Actually maybe it is exactly like that, because sure, it has looked good from the outside. I mean with the ability to make hundreds of people laugh in an auditorium, the church callings that have given me notoriety, the jobs that have had me rub shoulders with bigwigs, the quick-wittedness to never have an awkward moment- I know how to make it look good.

However, I couldn’t fool myself. The mansion I tried to portray to others, sometimes successfully, was just a shed to me. Behind the smoke and mirrors of confidence, happiness, and laughter was 8 years of depression, anxiety, insecurity, and isolation. All the things I tried to use to make my shed look good from the outside, never ended up filling up the inside. The hardest part was coming to the realization I was broken, because if I did, what if there was no way to be fixed?

Luckily one day after church I read Elder Holland’s “Broken things to mend.” In it he says that the Savior’s invitation to be healed starts with the words “Come unto me.” Elder Holland points out that the Savior is really saying, “Trust me, learn of me, do what I do. Then, when you walk where I am going,” He says, “we can talk about where you are going, and the problems you face and the troubles you have. If you will follow me, I will lead you out of darkness.”

Well I started taking those steps. I told the Lord, “Look, I’m going to trust this, and I expect something out of it.” And miraculously, things started getting better. I started to learn how to hand over my life to the Lord and have real faith. I have begun to learn who He is, and am starting to get glimpses into who I am and what my life can be.

You may say, “well Josh, ain’t that great? I mean you said yourself that your shed sucked. Look at what you are going to get.” Well sure, I believe that. But you have to remember, I spent 8 years in that shed. It has sentimental value. There are things in there I really loved. Or at least thought I did. And most importantly, as bad as it was, it was my shed. I was in control. It didn’t matter how bad it leaked during the storms or how hot it got during the summertime, it was mine. I could invite whoever I wanted over, and tell whoever I wanted to leave.

But now it’s not. In fact I don’t control anything. The only thing I control is letting God have control. And sometimes it’s hard. Because he isn’t just throwing out stuff I really like, but he has set charges to the foundation and has asked me to leave. I have reluctantly agreed, but I feel like I’ve had conversations with Him that have gone like this:

“You know I really like this chair, right?”

“Yes, I do”

“And this table?”

“Yes.”

“And this bookshelf?”

“Josh, how about you just leave?”

“If I do what are you going to promise me?”

“Something better.”

“Well, what exactly is better?”

“You’re just gonna have to trust me.”

And so reluctantly I have. Nervous about what He’s going to do with my shed, and with only glimpses in my head of what He has shown me is better. But that’s not to say that I don’t get that unbelievable temptation to run back in there and yell “no! stop! don’t!”

And I am by no means out of the woods. It is a daily struggle to say, “I’m here, what’s next.” In fact sometimes I ask it with my head down, not wanting to make eye contact and just whimper it for fear of what He might ask. The temptation to look back to see what He is doing with what I give Him is constantly there.

Really, sometimes the only thing that keeps me looking forward is the truth that my friend Jordan taught me this weekend- that cool guys don’t look at explosions.

I don’t know, I just work here.

One time in my mission I was being barraged by some guy on the street about my church’s more peculiar doctrines and practices. He had seen some show and thought he was a Mormonism expert and was just going off on me about a ton of obscure things about the church’s history. As he was on the topic of polygamy, he demanded of me “How do you explain that?” By this point I was almost laughing that this guy was getting so heated about a religion that he obviously had no interest in and so I responded,

“Look man, I don’t know. I just work here.”

I can’t remember how he reacted, but I’ve thought about that experience lately. As I’ve worked in journalism for my short stint, especially on the religious beat, I have learned so much about different religions. I have had my mind opened about faith. As a shameless self-promotion plug, I am going to post some of the most interesting things I’ve learned here:

http://www.deseretnews.com/article/700198897/Faith-and-the-millennials-Progressive-minded-generation-has-a-hard-time-relating-to-organized.html

http://www.deseretnews.com/article/700214889/Diffusion-of-faith-Immigrants-are-transforming-American-Christianity.html

http://www.deseretnews.com/article/765558232/The-God-Gaps-Why-religious-affiliation-and-attendance-effect-US-politics.html

As I have been writing, I have been trying to really decipher what “faith” is. I’ve met some incredible people who have pointed me in the right way, such as former NBA player A.C. Green who, although being a 17-year-old All-American and having a full-ride scholarship to the number 1 basketball school in the nation, asked his pastor if he needed to give up basketball to know God.

That’s faith.

I also admired the faith of the “It Gets Better” video filmed here at BYU. These people who deal with same-sex attraction at the most socially conservative campus in America must be admired. Their ability to find self-acceptance and the love of God was inspiring to me. The video opened my mind and i wrote about it here… http://www.deseretnews.com/article/765566664/BYU-groups-seek-to-understand-students-with-same-sex-attraction.html

The video has also created a lot of good discussion about the gay and lesbian community in the church. And I think it’s great. I know even though I consider myself to be pretty open-minded, to have had some closed-minded views on this community previously in my life. It’s also hurt me to think about some of my friends who have same-gender attraction and how they struggle to fit into the church.

Do I believe I know how things will be in the future in my church? No. Will same-gender couples ever be allowed to marry or live in same-gender relationships in the church? I don’t even know what’s going happen at 5 p.m. today in my own life, I don’t pretend to know what’s going to happen in the future of my church. I believe in “all that God has revealed and believe He will yet reveal many great and important things pertaining to the kingdom of God,” (AofF 9). I can’t stand people in my church who think they know how things are going to be.

That being said, I also don’t have much patience (and that’s a personal problem) for people who advocate against what has been revealed. I once interviewed someone in the church who is in a pretty prominent position and likes to vocalize what they think about the gospel. They accept the traditions Mormonism has, yet when it comes to hard doctrine, they try to create the church in the image of their own God. They aren’t just skeptical of certain doctrines (which I think is healthy for internalization), but openly challenge them.

I find that inconsistent with the statement in Doctrine and Covenants that says, “whether by my voice, or the voice of my servants, it is the same,” (D&C 1: 38).

The reason I can have that attitude isn’t because I am blindly following faith. When I was 12 years old, I did a serious study of the Book of Mormon. I came to understand the promise given in the Bible that “any man should do his will, he shall know of the doctrine, whether it be of God, or whether I speak of myself.” (John 7:17). The Book of Mormon changed my life, I knew it was God’s word and truth doesn’t change. I knew that the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day-Saints was true, led by living prophets. I knew then and now know God lives and the only way to happiness is through following his commandments, despite believing I know what’s best for me and others.

And so as I have learned certain things and tried to develop my faith, I have put them in the context of what I already know to be true. And I’ve learned that what faith really is, is to take something from God that may not make sense, or that may go against what I want, or even what I think is right, and just follow it. And as I’ve done that, I haven’t had to have answers for everything, I’ve been able to take things on faith.

And that sometimes leads me to say,

“Look man, I don’t know. I just work here.”